I'm flipping out. Why I picked now to flip out, I don't know. It won't do me any good. Everything just seems impossible all of a sudden. I just know I'm going to dig myself into inescapabe debt for college and hate it anyways, and then fail miserably as a film director and end up living in a cardboard box on some cold, snowy street, with a sign that says "will work for food." It just seems like there is no way I can pull this off.
I could just go to Niagara on scholarship, get a car, and study elementary education. I could graduate with minimal debt, find a steady job almost right away, and use my weekly paycheck to buy a nice apartment. I would know where I would be the next year, and make friends get comfortable in my new life. I might even like it.
But I can't do that. I will not make a desicion based on fear. I will not set myself up to ask the horrible "what would have happened?" question. I have to try. I might crash and burn, it's entirely possible. But I have to try.
I want a job where I have to know a little bit of everything. I want to work with people, and I want to learn something new every day. I want problems to solve, I want challenges. I want to wake up not knowing what to expect. I want to travel, I want to meet and know all kinds of different people. I want to take flat and silent black-and-white words and bring demension and movement and sound to them. I want to build a world where people can safely think and feel and live in, if only for a couple of hours. I want to tell a story that changes how people think about the world, their lives, themselves. I know this is what I want, this is what I was wired up to do. It is more than a job, more than a living. It is a vocation.
It's not safe, and it's not easy. Sometimes it's nothing short of terrifying. But I'll just have to suck it up, and keep moving, and have faith, and see what happens. I am not afraid of being afraid. But I am scared of taking the safe route, I am scared of never knowing, I am scared of never being what I was meant to be.
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2 comments:
Rachel, I am going to tell you what everyone has been telling me, follow what you are PASSIONATE about...I know personally that it is a very hard decision to make from experience, and I still haven't made that decision, but you have one extreme and you can be great in it. Take the film, establish a back-up, and when in doubt you always have great friends who are here to help. It will be hard work, but just go with it. College debt? Who cares! Don't jump in feet first, make a statement, look at Apple and if it's really what you want, it's the only thing you'll be happy with.
You're right. As always. I guess this is where it really starts to get exciting. No fear!
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