what are the odds this ends and we won't meet again?

Here It Goes Again by Ok Go - song of my life. Well, part of my life, right at this minute. Hahaha.

I'm not really sure what I have to say tonight...

Oh, I did get a half-tuition scholarship to Niagara today. Which is strange, becuase I don't want to go there. I finally figured out what I think I want, and Niagara doesn't have it.

Having your life up in the air is really strange. Most people know where they're going to be 8 months from now. I won't know until four months in advance. I'm looking at my calander, and I have no idea what wall it will be stuck to a year from now. Could be Syracuse, or Penn State, or Hofstra, even Niagara, or this same wall. Something like knowing what size sheets to buy or whether or not I can have a coffee maker or a mini fridge. What kind of shoes or winter coat I'll need. What color scarf to knit. I can't make plans, I can't prepare, I can't even imagine what my life will be like. You know me, I like to know what I'm walking into. But, for the first time I have come to one of life's turns. You don't know what's around the corner, and there's no way to see it until you actually get there.

Welcome to the adult world. You make decisions as best you can, you take every opportunity possible, and then you hang on tight and see what happens. We have less control than we like to admit, sometimes less than we even want to think about. I'm beginning to see that control is an illusion, security is just an illusion. The only thing that you can really build your life on is faith. There are just some things that are beyond our capacity, some times when there is only one decision to make: I can leave this up to God, or I can leave this up to the world. Handing over the reins is a really scary thing. But then, trying to handle them on your own is scarier.

Wow. That was pretty deep for having nothing to say. That's what I get for wiritng after some 6 hours of euro homework. And I'm not done yet. So, for your sake as much as mine, I'll stop being philosophical and get back to the absolute rulers of the Netherlands.