Finally Giving In

Ok. I've told everyone that I've changed my mind from film to public relations. And in retrospect, I realized that the way I described it made it sound like a whim, and that it's only a matter of time before I changed my mind again. So, here's the real reason.

I'm not a filmmaker. I'm a writer. Of course my family and closest friends already knew this about me, but I have only just figured it out. Don't get me wrong, I love the idea of movie making very much. And while I knew that I could go to school to learn how to make movies, and I could be pretty good at it and make a decent career for myself, and enjoy it, I knew that at the end of the day I would come home and I would open my journal or sign on to my blog and I would write. I don't collect movies, but the odd corners of my room have stacks of books that don't fit in my bookcase. I don't know the names of all of the best directors, but my brain seems to have no limit on lists of various authors. When I watch a movie, I'm not looking at the cinematogrophy, I'm listening to how it's written. I wouldn't be devastated if I were blind, but if the part of my brain that controls language was damaged I don't know how I could live. I don't take pictures or make little videos for fun - I write.

I could be filmmaker. I could like it. But that is not what I am made of. Pictures don't come out of me, but words do. It isn't a passion, it's a system of thought, it's a way of life.

I have finally been realizing this, very slowly, over the past few weeks. It started with an assigned essay in English class. It was analyzing a poem about blackberry picking and finding the metaphor for life that was deeply burried in it. I mean honestly, who gives a rip? But that was the best essay I've ever written. Before, either one of two things happened; the essay just kind of rushed out and landed on the page, or writing it was like pulling teeth. This essay, however, was a work of art. It was like I could see everything before I started- I had the entire english language at my disposal and all I had to do was assemble it in the best way possible. Every sentance was slow and careful, and it was a short essay considering the time I had spent writing it. But every word was exactly where I wanted it, every point I made was in the right place and perfectly supported; I actually knew what I was doing.

A few days later I had to write an essay about how western Europeans and colonial natives viewed Imperialism. Again, who cares? But I didn't care what I was writing about, all that mattered was that I had a point to prove, an idea to communicate. It's like being a painter that will paint anything so long as he gets to paint. The structure, the word choice, breaking down evidence and putting it in the right places- I lost track of time and my hands started shaking. I loved it.

That's when I knew I was a writer and could never be anything different. God made me to write in exactly the same way that he made birds to fly and fish to swim. I only realized this when I stopped being raw talent and potential and became a writer. I'm still an ignorant and immature writer, but I have arrived.

But I don't think that I can graduate college and sit down as a 22-year-old and write novels for a living. Like I said, I'm an immature writer that can't carry the same thread of thought for more than 20 pages. I also have this youthful need to be around people and noise and a little bit of chaos. On top of that, I don't know enough about life to write about it just yet. In PR I can get my people and busyness and loudness. I can also learn how to be a good writer, and learn how people work and what everyone needs to hear. I can move around and practice writing and learn about life. You can't push something like this, you have to take it easy, and feed it, and wait for it to evolve. It takes patience and dedication. I'll break into the world when I'm good and ready.