What if?

I've learned lots of things in three weeks. How to sleep when your roommate is moving around your room at 7:30 am. How to hook up a TV, how cereal combines on a molecular level to your bowl if left for too long. How amazing of a football player Paul Posluszny is. How to write for a published paper, how to dish it and take it with upperclassmen guys. How to microwave pasta and steal butter and salt from the cafeteria. How to go for a walk or call someone when I'm feeling blue. How not to go get fall-down drunk even when evryone else is. How to get my morning paper out of the fussy paper machine, how to coax my key into the lock of my dorm door. That when all else fails, a grilled chicken sandwhich from the cafeteria is good, moist meat. That sometimes, a pint of Ben and Jerry's is perfectly OK.

Most importantly, I've learned that there are things much, much worse than fear. I'm not talking about the trepidation someone experiences right before they do something incredibly stupid, that's different. I'm talking about the solid, real-life fear that settles in your stomach for more than 30 seconds. I've been confronted with new fears every few days here. Some are big and some are little. I've also watched some people handle thier own, personal fears. One thing that I've noticed is that whenever someone complies to fear, their lives get a tiny bit smaller, and a tiny bit sadder.

So, what would happen if I lived my life in complete disregard of fear? If instead of concentrating on how afraid I am, I think about how I will feel in twenty years, looking back on every scenario. Can you live life that way? Is that much courage possible?

Am I afraid that if I don't party every weekend, that I will never fit in here? Am I afraid that if I don't join the swim team, I will never meet any good friends? Am I afraid that if I go to the youth group on Monday night, it will just be weird and disappointing? Am I afraid of looking for a good church, of how long it will take and how lonely it will be? Am I afraid of pursuing what I love, just to find out that it isn't good enough, that I don't have what it takes?

Yes. And yes, and yes, and yes again. But I have decided that either I can sit in my room, comfortable and unafraid, or I can make the hard choice every single time. I've decided to sit down and separate the fear from what I really want to do, and then throw the fear right out the window. I'm not kidding myself here, I know that it will be hard. It will be exhausting, there will be times when I will fall on my bed and wonder what I could have been thinking. My downs will be lower than most - I will fall harder.

But I know that I was not made for fear. I know that I do not want to look back on my freshman year of college and wonder what could have happened. I know that Brett Favre has the most interceptions, and he also has the most wins. I know that even though I will fall harder than most, I will also live higher and bigger than most. I do not want a small, constant, slightly sad life. I want a big life, alternating between tragedy and joy.

So I'll give this life a try. I will live so that I am slightly crazy, and constantly tired. I will live the sweaty-palmed, shaky-kneed life. I'll take the big hits, trusting that it will be worth it in the end. And I'll keep you posted.