Ouch.

I'm remembering the worst swim meet of my life tonight. It was against Greece or Gates or something, and by diving we were ahead by twenty. I was on fire that night, I was giving it everything, I had personal bests in all of my races. But somehow, the majority of the team thought that we were safely ahead and started slacking. By the last race we were only ahead by one or two points. I was in the last relay, and even though I had done my very best all night, it was down to me. I swam against a girl who had a 58.00 free, which non-swimmers should know shatters Class A sectional time by six seconds and is nearly impossible to beat.

I lost, and my team lost the meet. I lost, but I swam a 103.2, which is even today the fastest 100 yard sprint of my entire life. I swam my best after wearing myself out in all of my other races, when my opponent was entire lengths ahead of me. And every girl on my team who patted my shoulder that night and told me that it was OK that I had lost their meet, I wanted to smack. Because they were the ones slacking off, and I was the one that had to carry the loss.

Well, today I got an e-mail from the co-editor-in-chief of the newspaper. He must have imagined that he was whipping us all into shape. He devoted four entire paragraphs to the copy editors. There was caps and cursing, threats about taking our jobs away and giving it someone who would actually work. He quoted our complaints - "blah blah blah" - and advised us to work through our PMS no matter how hard it is (the three copy editors are the only women on staff). He went on about how much he gave for the paper, and how we should suck it up and take it a little bit seriously.

I give 100% to that paper. I write multiple articles a week and edit until late in the night, all for one class credit. I don't even get paid, I just do it because I love it. I love it more than any work I've ever done. I have always delivered to the very best of my ability, and I take it very, very seriously. And yet I get abused, degraded and patronized? I used to look foward to production nights, and now I'm dreading this meeting. I used to love writing articles, proving myself. Now, I have an article due in 36 hours, and I don't want to write it. What's the point, when my best is clearly so inadquate?

Today I discovered the easiest and most effective way to break someone. Wait until they're giving everything they have to give to something that they love, and then kick them. It might be one of the worst feelings in the world. Well, I won't be broken. If he wants a professional, excellent staff, then he'll get it. I will send a return e-mail, because as a professional woman I am not going to take any abuse. I will dress nicely and wear nice flats and refer to him by his full first name instead of his nickname. I will write the article and it will be the best work that I have done yet. I am going to pull off another 103.2, not because he deserves it, but because I do.