i got hit by the dream-killing bus

My eyes have hurt since yesterday. My head had hurt since yesterday. I've felt sick since yesterday.

I have one day left to wallow in self-pity. One day to cry and whine and moan. Because tomorrow I am going to my Penn State visit. I was really looking foward to it. I was gong to see Beaver stadium and check out residences and buy a Penn State t-shirt. It was going to be a glowing world of wonderful possibility. Now I'm going for damage control. I have to figure out exactly how screwed I am, and what to do about it.

I won't be thinking "Maybe this is where I'll be a year from now. Maybe I'll be making this place home." It will be more like "Look, look at everything that could have so easily been yours. But it's not. Because you applied one month too late." Everything I love about that place will just rip me up inside. One month. I could be losing this over one month.

This is not a one-day visit. This is three days, over 72 hours of being bombarded with everything that I could have had. Informational seminars, campus tours, meeting with someone from the awesome communications school. Best February break ever.

It used to be fun to think about where I'm going to be Fall of 2007. Now I have no clue. It looks like I won't be where I want to be. It looks like I'm going to be getting crap out of the way for a few more years. I hope so much that I'll look back on this and laugh at how melodramatic I'm being. I hope I'm overreacting, I hope I really have nothing to worry about.

I can't believe it. I owuld have never, ever guessed that this would happen. I was really counting on Penn State. I've worked too hard for this, I deserve better than this. Karma is the biggest load of bull, ever. Although college admissions is right up there.

So. This is the last post of whiny self-pity. From here on out it will be the silver lining and making the best of things. I'm good at getting a grip, and sucking it up. I've had lots of practice. But sometimes, grown-up life just plain sucks. And right now, it really, really sucks.