how am I grumpy? let me count the ways...

I am grumpy because although I am enrolled as a Penn State student, I still have to show up to school. I still have to do fitness tests, I still have to do millions of busywork packets for French class, I still have to get written permission to use the bathroom that is right down the hall. I am still eating 5 hour old peanut butter sandwhiches out of a brown paper lunch bag.

I am grumpy because I need a second job and I cannot find one. I may be 18, but since all I can get is a summer job, I'm in the pile with a bunch of 16-year olds. Whenever I walk into a place and hear "Oh, sorry, our positions are filled," I finish the rest of the sentance in my head. "...filled with kids that need to fund their CD collection and buy lots of new clothes instead of helping to pay for a higher education."

I am grumpy because although I am old enough to go to North Carolina this summer with my friends, I am not old enough to drive. The fact that one of the safest, most reliable cars ever cranked out is sitting in my driveway, and I have a 100% clean driving record, and am a legal adult means nothing. I will spend 18 expensive hours on a crowded passenger train while my friends get the ever-elusive roadtrip that I have been waiting for.

I'm grumpy because I am 18 and a legal adult, but it all means nothing. I still have to ask my parents for permission for just about everything. I have no interest in buying lottery tickets or cigarettes, or products from an infomercial. There are no good 18 and up clubs in this city, and I don't plan on having sex with other consenting adults anytime soon. I don't want to gamble, I don't want to buy my own apartment. I could have voted on my high school budget, but isn't that ironic, voting on something that no longer applies to me?

I'm grumpy because it feels like I'm already losing my friends. One of my best friends left for a few days (I think) without saying "Hey, see ya next week." My other best friend is running out of time for all of the the things we planned to do before she went. For the first time we have different priorities. Conversations are no longer "we should do this," or "let's do that." It's more of a notification of our own seperate plans to each other. I'm grumpy because I haven't celebrated my 18th birthday with my friends yet and I don't think I will. Because the senior banquet is messing with the soccer game that I waited all winter for. Because I still have not seen Spiderman 3, and I really wanted to.

I'm grumpy because my house feels so small, and my family drives me up a wall a lot of the time and part of me just wants to go. But then I love my home and my family too much to really want to leave. I don't want to leave my family, but I can't stay, either.

I don't belong in high school anymore and I don't belong in college yet. I am definitely not a child, but I am also not an adult. My life is not my friends' lives anymore even though I see them almost every day and love them just as much. I don't belong at home, but I don't belong on my own, either.

You know when you're going for a boat ride and it comes time to actually jump into the boat? Usually the dock and the boat are more than one step apart, and you have to jump a little to make it in. There comes that split second when your feet are no longer touching the dock, but you're not in the boat yet- you are just suspended in air. That is the split second where I look down into the green harbor water and wonder if I'll make it. I always make it, but just the same, I wonder every time.

I just thought I had some more time before that split second of my life came.