Burnt Sacrifice

"Loneliness does not come from having no people about one, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to oneself, or from holding certain views which others find inadmissible."
~Carl Yung

"To be alone is to be different, and to be different is to be alone."
~Suzanne Gordon

"Pray that your loneliness may spur you into finding something to live for, great enough to die for."
~Dag Hammarskjold

I don't belong here. I don't belong in a place filled with people who could care less about their futures, who lack amibtion and foresight. I don't belong with people who get drunk and set things on fire. I had hoped that I would have some sense of belonging in college, but I don't, and I've come to terms with it. This campus never lets me forget for one minute that earth is not my home. I have never been so utterly different before. I have never been so lonely before.

Here is the lesson I have learned, and it's a big one. The trick is not focus on my loneliness, but the differences that make me lonely. Each one of those differences is a good thing, and an element of something that this campus is starving for. This environment threatens to strip away everything that I love and believe in. The only way to retaliate to to give. Give a kind ear and support free of judgement. Stand firm in what I know to be true when no one else does. If I am this lonely, it is a sign that I might be the only person on this campus to show what is good and true and right. And I can't abandon the responsibility that comes with that.

So, in a hostile environment, I can love. And I can pray for people that cannot pray for themselves, and fight for the defenseless. I can show a lifestyle that maybe someone has never seen before. I can give and give without ever getting anything in return. I will not run away, and I will not hide. These people cannot give me what I want. But maybe I can give someone truth and light and life. Maybe I can prove that there is something more, something worth living for. I don't need anything in return, I already have everything I need. And even if doesn't make a difference after all, I have to try.

I thought I was just going to college; I wasn't expecting this. And I could transfer and come home and be safe. I could be surrounded by people who think and feel as I do, I could meet new friends who give as much as they take. But as tempting as that is, I can't leave. I have to give up what I wanted, what I've always had. I have to live for something bigger than my own happiness, and my own loneliness. If I am different, then I can make a difference.