I did it!

I am officially done with my first semester of college! Oh, there were times when I thought this day would never come. I have never lived as fast and as hard as I have lived in the past four months. I have never learned so much in such a short time. If inner growth manifested itself in outer growth, I would have gone through about 6 shoe sizes and many, many pairs of jeans.

Statistically, it looks like I have lost more than I gained. I lived in a nice house, now I have half a room with the communal bathroom down the hall and nothing to cook in but a very tiny microwave. All my earthly positions can and will fit in a van. Many of my high school friends, some who I really thought cared about me, and who I actually thought I cared about, have fallen by the wayside. Only a couple of friends have stuck around.

Since getting drunk is not my idea of a good time, my Friday nights rival those of a middle schooler's. N64, movies, decorating rooms and playing your neighbor's hair, yes! I used to know a lot about the world, and then I took philosophy and religion courses, and starting following politics. I used to eat well and sleep through the night, now 7 hours is a treat and a hot dog is good red meat.

I have learned that life is hard and painful, I have learned that nothing stays the same, I have learned that people are people and that nothing is what you expect. I have learned that I am a tiny spec that knows nothing, I have learned that I don't have enough time. So why do I feel like I just swam the 50 free in 20 seconds flat? Why do I feel like I've climbed Everest? Why do I feel like climbing to the roof of the tallest building on campus just to scream my head off?

Because I know who I am, and I'm still me. I still wake up and hope that today is better than yesterday, I still go to bed knowing something that I didn't 24 hours earlier. I love my true friends and my family more than ever. I know that life is hard, and I'm excited about it anyways, I dream anyways. There is still plenty in this world to love, still plenty to fight for. And for the first time there is this underlying feeling that I'm going somewhere, that I'm doing something really good.

I suppose the word for it is confidence. I'm afraid of many more things than I ever have been, but I am confident that I can handle it. Even if I'm just hanging on by a thread, I can hang on. I'm confident that what I have to say is worth saying, and on occasion, worth hearing. I'm confident that if I work, I can get where I want. And I'm confident that time and space is no match for a good relationship. My environment, my circumstances, my status in life have all changed, and I am still me.

I'll just say it. I kicked ass.