Sympathy

I want to live an R-rated life. I want to live the kind of life that you would not want to show to your 13-year old. I want to be disturbed, and pursue the source of that uneasiness until I meet it head-on.

I was reading the paper this morning, and I was wondering if I could stomach some of the things that some journalists report on. Kids in Afghanistan who will die because they don't have medical care, human slaves in Cambodia, orphans in Africa. Am I capable of bearing witness to these horrific tragedies? Do I really need to take on so much pain that isn't my own, isn't life hard enough already?

I am a 21 century American woman - that is as lucky as it gets. But I could just as easily be the front page of the New York Times. What makes me different from the living, breathing tragedies on the other side of the world? What were the chances that I would be born into such freedom and security? I do think that I was born into this privilege to keep it all to myself. I was not made to run away and hide from the nasty things- I was made, and enabled, and commanded to defend those who cannot defend themselves.

So many people try so hard to keep ugliness out of their lives. They are so afraid to be touched by this evil. But we don't live in a perfect world, and ignoring the cruel things will not make them go away. But I do think that when we face trauma that is not our own, something happens. I think that when we let ugliness into our lives with the intention of fighting it, something changes. And I think that all of the cruelty in this world is not enough for the willing adversary.

Today, I make the biggest decision in my life. I decide to see things that will give me nightmares. I decide to find a pain that is bigger than my own, and take it on. I decide to be uncomfortable. I am not going to live so that I can complete a checklist upon my deathbed. I am going to live so that when someone else is on their deathbed, things have been different for them. The life that they reflect on has been better.