"Will, look at the pumas!"

The downside of being on vacation is that, as relaxing as it is, I have nothing to blog about. I sit around until 1:00 in the afternoon, and then run an errand or clean or something. I read a lot. So, in lieu of an interesting update, I'll leave you with this.

Hic. HIC!

I'm exhausted, but I can't sleep until these hiccups go away. So instead of lying in bed, tired and frustrated, letting the hiccups wreak havoc, I will blog and forget all about them.

Christmas began at 7:30 this morning. My brother woke up at 7:00, but was constrained to quiet until at least 7:30. From what I can remember he flung open my door, bounded into my room and said something very loudly before bounding out again. A few minutes later my mom came in and said something about enjoying the enthusiasm now, since soon he would be grown up and we would all sleep until 9:30. As though this will be a sad thing. I got up, went to the bathroom and washed my face. I then walked as slowly as humanly possible out of the door, across the hall, and down the stairs, just to give my brother a hard time. Not all that much has changed since we were 8 and 5. We were into the presents in no time though, and it was a good haul overall.

The next couple of hours we sat around in our PJ's and new slippers, eating breakfast, drinking coffee, and watching the Christmas versions of all of the morning TV shows. After we were we were clean and ready, the house was clean and ready, and the sweet potatoes and pie were ready to go, we headed off to Grandpa's house. We enjoyed his beautiful real tree and ate an incredible ham. For the grand Christmas finale we had some pie while watching A Christmas Story.

All day long I got text messages from friends - high school and college alike. It was a little thing, just a few "Merry Christmas's" here and there. But for the first time in a long time, it felt like things were coming together instead of falling apart. I realized that if I have something to leave behind and miss in both places, it also means that I have something to come back to in both places- it means I have something to be happy about, no matter where I am. And right now, still full of pie and Christmas ham, and toes warmed by gorgeous sheep skin moccasins, life feels amazing.

Even my hiccups are gone.

On second thought...

You know, I could stay put all I want. I could live in my old room every day and keep all of my things here and walk through that doorway every single day. And it wouldn't stop things from changing. I could live in Rochester forever and only visit outside of city limits. I could try to keep my friends and family and property inside this city. But it wouldn't stop change.

You have, and then you lose. You're with someone, and then you miss someone. Nothing is constant, except for maybe change itself. So, I could stay put and wait for change to catch up to me. Or I could do what I want, see what I want to see, and accept change as the constant variable in my life. I can grow in it and learn in it and write about it.

I think it's a Greek idea - the wheel of fortune. Not like the game show, it's a metaphor. Each person is a point on some big wheel, and each life cycles up towards the sky and happiness, and then down again into the muck and mud. And then up again, down again, and on and on. I'm guessing that there is probably some truth to that. I'm also guessing that there's no trick to staying on top of the wheel; I don't think you can run fast enough or hold on tight enough. So I guess that you can spend your life trying to stop the wheel at the top, or you can just pick the direction you want and let it roll.

I think spending time in the mud is ok, as long as you know you're going somewhere.

Home Again.

I need to wash all of my clothes, fold them up in my drawers, and clean my room. I can't seem to get around to it, though.

Finishing up my last final was an incredible feeling. Amazing. But packing up to come home was really strange. I was sitting in the middle of my floor, eating leftover Chinese food and watching a movie with my closet, drawers, and under the bed emptied out around me. I realized that half of my stuff would be in my dorm, and half would be at home. I couldn't bring back my posters and decorations - it just wasn't practical. But I knew that my naked room at home would feel unfriendly. And I realized that I couldn't run next door whenever I needed a break or a good laugh or someone to watch a movie with. I realized that I wouldn't be in the newsroom for an entire month.

I actually started to miss it. And now I'm home, with half of my stuff still in the totes I packed it in. It seems like every time I settle into someplace, it all goes back into the box, which goes back into the trunk of the car, which goes back to whatever city I'm not in. I'm tired of having my makeup in a little travel bag, because it's just easier that way. I don't like living with one foot in Rochester and one foot in Erie. I like home best, I have the most of my life here. But every time I come home to it, it feels like I'm leaving a little bit more behind.

I want everything to be in one place again. I want all of my things in one building, I want all of the people I like and love to be within a twenty-minute radius. I wish that this feeling of constantly missing something, of life constantly being incomplete, to go away. It's an impossible, juvenile wish, but that is what I want.

Lazy Day

Today I didn't do anything that I didn't want to. I sat on the couch drinking coffee until 1:00. I mixed dough for cut-out cookies, but ran out of energy and motivation before I could actually bake them. The dough is still hanging out in the fridge. I watched Gilmore Girls, I read half of the second Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. I made plans for Leaf n Bean tonight, and I have been looking forward to cheesecake all day.

I did not make my bed, or do laundry, or wrap Christmas presents. I did not read one single paper, or any challenging novel. I did not cash that check. And after this blog, I am going to continue to read the second Sisterhood until dinner. After that, I will go to Leaf n Bean with some very dear friends which I haven't seen in a month. And then I will decorate the Christmas tree with my family and have a lot more fun than I let on.

For once, I feel unproductive but not lazy or guilty. I didn't get anything accomplished, but I wouldn't call the day a waste. I'm really enjoying this.

I did it!

I am officially done with my first semester of college! Oh, there were times when I thought this day would never come. I have never lived as fast and as hard as I have lived in the past four months. I have never learned so much in such a short time. If inner growth manifested itself in outer growth, I would have gone through about 6 shoe sizes and many, many pairs of jeans.

Statistically, it looks like I have lost more than I gained. I lived in a nice house, now I have half a room with the communal bathroom down the hall and nothing to cook in but a very tiny microwave. All my earthly positions can and will fit in a van. Many of my high school friends, some who I really thought cared about me, and who I actually thought I cared about, have fallen by the wayside. Only a couple of friends have stuck around.

Since getting drunk is not my idea of a good time, my Friday nights rival those of a middle schooler's. N64, movies, decorating rooms and playing your neighbor's hair, yes! I used to know a lot about the world, and then I took philosophy and religion courses, and starting following politics. I used to eat well and sleep through the night, now 7 hours is a treat and a hot dog is good red meat.

I have learned that life is hard and painful, I have learned that nothing stays the same, I have learned that people are people and that nothing is what you expect. I have learned that I am a tiny spec that knows nothing, I have learned that I don't have enough time. So why do I feel like I just swam the 50 free in 20 seconds flat? Why do I feel like I've climbed Everest? Why do I feel like climbing to the roof of the tallest building on campus just to scream my head off?

Because I know who I am, and I'm still me. I still wake up and hope that today is better than yesterday, I still go to bed knowing something that I didn't 24 hours earlier. I love my true friends and my family more than ever. I know that life is hard, and I'm excited about it anyways, I dream anyways. There is still plenty in this world to love, still plenty to fight for. And for the first time there is this underlying feeling that I'm going somewhere, that I'm doing something really good.

I suppose the word for it is confidence. I'm afraid of many more things than I ever have been, but I am confident that I can handle it. Even if I'm just hanging on by a thread, I can hang on. I'm confident that what I have to say is worth saying, and on occasion, worth hearing. I'm confident that if I work, I can get where I want. And I'm confident that time and space is no match for a good relationship. My environment, my circumstances, my status in life have all changed, and I am still me.

I'll just say it. I kicked ass.

football....must....resist...

My plan was to hit the books hard right after lunch. But... it's a bad weather, playoff-deciding Bills game, and I cannot resist, I just can't. I am a Green Bay fan, but I still love the Bills. And they're playing in a blizzard and I love, love, love bad weather games.

So, I can watch the game while I write up my math exam cheat sheet, and finish clipping and assembling my newspaper portfolio, and outlining some religion notes. I can start on philosophy afterwards.

This is OK, since I already spent two hours on philosophy before lunch. It's OK.

Don't look at me like that.